someone took a shit in my car last night and left $5 on the seat...
considering you've had every STD known to man, you think if i sent you a picture of my dick (no homo) you could tell me whats growing on it?
batman tramp stamp. Dibs.
I knew I fucked up when I woke up with the meat scissors in my hand.
bleeding from the face, sitting in a shopping cart and holding a wad of ripped caution tape. what else would i be doing?
Trying to take a shit right now to the beat of the fuckin drumcircle outside... It's not goin well
If you were curious as to how many pounds of bagged marijuana can fit in the trunk of a 2010 Chevrolet Aveo, we now have the answer
Yeah. It's a great diet plan tho. Just have sex every time you get hungry.
I swear to God, if you drunkenly correct my grammar one more time, I'm cutting you off.
I take it that, because we are not guzzling a box of franzia, everything went alright?
My doctor was like "I think adderall is a great choice. It'll definitely benefit you and you say you've taken it before so you'll be fine!" \nAnd I was like "yeah bro, totally"
I'm still getting random messages from guys about my Halloween outfit. Electrical tape is coming back next year
You're right. I woke up today with my ugly sweater still on and no pants. I'd say it was a successful night.
Also, if you don't fuck me soon, I will die. I don't want to die like that.
I just want to find somebody intelligent enough to trick my parents into thinking she's not a trophy wife. Is that too much to ask?
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