It wasn't long before I skipped the martini glass and went straight to drinking from the shaker.
I want to dip my vagina in sugar. Not only will it be sweet, but it will have a nice sparkle.
You're pretty and everything..but you aren't worth the DUI
its always fun the next morning to look around the room and see where all the clothing landed.
The only thing worse than cracking my rib on a slip and slide was having the doctors laugh when they found out in my medical history that I did this exact same thing last summer.
and then you yelled "out of the way, i'm a lifeguard!" and everyone let us through
He got 20 stiches.. Who knew so much damage could come from a single shopping cart.
I just heard a 350 lb guy with a stutter describe getting blood in his eye as he was shanking his cellmate and, more generally, how to survive as a white guy in jail.\n\nYou should really consider going to some AA meetings
Just found out that his ringtone for me is a train blowing bc and I quote 'I know when you call I'm getting laid'
Just me, my martini, and my backup Martini.
Kinda awkward to hear your aunt complain about loose women when you're in town to be a stunt dick for a swingers convention. Just sayin.
There's times when I just want to bottle my farts for later they're so insane.
She said she was hoping I'd be hotter. I told her I didn't see anybody standing in line to titty fuck her either. She was a great kisser.
Hey, I found that piece of pizza you lost in my bed last night. Never again...
He had a clap on lamp. So every time he was ramming into me, the lights kept turning on and off
Randomize
