I'm driving in the middle of nowhere, and I just saw a stuffed Barney hanging from a noose on a tree. Maybe I should turn around.
you're kinda like the weird girl from The Breakfast Club after the makeover. i mean you're pretty, but you're still weird as fuck
I'm stoned in an empty parking lot listening to dave matthews while looking for a lighter.... I feel like I sent this 7 years ago.
I'm not sure what happened last night, but my turtle seems afraid of me.
Oh, I'm sorry. I'd rather be "doable" than "the fat chick"
He said he forgot to take his shoes off, and that he was a bad boy because he was walking on the carpet. Then he sang. Then he shouted "I'M STILL FORGETTING."
She scratched my sunburn during sex. I didn't know whether to cry or cum
I'm also 3/4 on the frats. Its like my goal of traveling to all 7 continents, but different somehow and a lot less morally sound.
THERE IS AN ENORMOUS FAT WOMAN EYEING MY FLIGHT'S GATE LIKE IT WOULD BE DELICIOUS TO EAT.
Mcnellies. I'm drunk enough that you have a window. Capitalize.
I'm sorry I told you to go fuck yourself after you said good morning to me when I was hungover.
I woke up naked in this guys bed and the first thing I start saying is it's super bowl Sunday like I was yelling
Just ate Panda Express. Fortune cookie had no fortune in it. I actually prefer this. Less broken dream potential.
As a rule...I don't sleep with my friends or watch movies with talking dogs
You know that episode of Spongebob where Patrick teaches Spongebob to be fancy? His dick was like that, only fancier.
Randomize
