i told my grandma i broke up with my boyfriend. her reply " you need to play the field more anyway"
can we get nightvision for the apartment?
I don't think I have ever been told that I am "probably too drunk to pet the stingrays" by a cop before.
six ambien and a bong later...he was calling me blueberry princess who need rescuing from the evil oven, and he was sir Eatsalot.
Jumanji is 1000% better stoned while cooking breakfast.
You go to bars with sophisticated older men, I steal lawn ornaments. Priorities
I never actually go in the club. I get in line, hit on a chick, and convince her to come drink all she wants for free at my house.
My gynaecologist hit my g-spot today by accident and for some reason I went "at least someone found it" VERY AWKWARD
It would have been nice to break the dry spell with nice, civilized, sober sex somewhere other than on my friend's couch.
you know you're a stoner girl when you get a callus from your grinder
Split a bottle of Johnny Walker and then decided to eat a shit ton of peanut butter. That was a rough bed to wake up in
How high were you when you left that message, cause you made honest-to-God, credible seal noises.
I would drive 12 hours round trip for you to have an orgasm, cause that's friendship
He asked if I was alright. I said "Yeah, I'm just an incapacitated ball of orgasmic bliss right now."
But I’m still curious to know... how did the homemade porno go?
Randomize
