The pink midgets playing hockey is the EXACT reason cold meds and alcohol do not mix. Period.
his ringtone is the jonas brothers. get me the fuck out of here NOW.
MIND BOGGLER: batman and jesus are the same person. Think about it.
if that blanket by the dog bowl was your dog's "bed" then i apologize to bailey for having sex on it
and yes i will spend 10 dollars on a vibrating toothbrush to masturbate but not a calculator for my test
Is there a non-awkward way to tell a girl I work with that she looks just like my favourite pornstar?
The only way that night could have gotten any better would be if a unicorn would descend from the heavens with a nacho bell grande in a bag around its horn beat boxing Hakunah Matata.
Hows cali? I thought of you as I shaved 1/4 of my legs last night.
So wise, so handsome, so good at oral sex.
I don't remember, but I believe your goodnight phrase was "nice meeting you, thanks for not macing me"
So I'm getting really old. I feel asleep for a booty call that I initiated. The struggle is real.
Were you citizens arresting people again last night?
Feels weird riding an elevator with my tongue in my own mouth.
Moms passed out wet and naked in a rocking chair again....
I had to remind him last night as he had his arm around me, "We hook up, we don't cuddle!"
Randomize
