Dude, you just left me a 3 minute voicemail of pop rocks in your mouth. Im sitting right next you
well,he told me "i bet you five bucks that i can right cum on the mirror with my cum" i said alright do it, lets just say he's five bucks richer...
I think the universe is against us being together. Or maybe it's just god's way of telling me there is a bigger dick out there for me.
You burnt your salmon and tried to mail it. Post marked to: Starving Kid in Africa
I think my goal in life now is to be a Trending topic on Twitter after I die.
woke up in nothing but a glued-on tiger tail. they used super glue.
after last nights cooking expirments i have lost all faith in the fire alarm battery
Looks like a significant portion of my drinking money just became legal fees.
Who is this?
You offered to lift up your dress at the bar so I could see your lower back tattoo
Um, I think that was a general offer to everyone. So...who IS this?
I can't believe I'm giving you play by plays of this sexting convo. It's like a three way he doesn't know about.
How about we just have a naked taco night instead?
He seems like a lot more than a waste of tequila
Dude I am a waste of space, I just febreezed myself so I could go out and get lunch
Weight watchers just said "you've tracked beer three times recently, want to make it one of your favorites?" I'm begining to understand why I needed to go in the first place.
but next to his bed he has a bible, and on the bible he has a pbr coaster and a condom. how can i stay mad at that? Its amazing.
Randomize
