Fuck u you updated twitter but didn't answer my text
I know you're alive
Stephanie. Problem. I think if I had met Murphy before Ben I would have fucked him instead.
Don't worry about your Murphy feelings. I may have fucked him no matter what.
I got "discovered a new religion high" last night
he came on my stomach, took his sock off, wiped it up, put his sock back on along with his shoes and left.
I just yelled at my mom for getting me circumcised without my permission. That drunk
I'm texting you the word "cockring" because I feel it hasn't been said enough throughout our friendship.
Can't tell if its the LSD or if that demon man just stared at my penis. Cleveland is a weird place. All true stories.
So we became Pizza Strippers- we stripped and asked for slices of pizza in return.
I got drunk and slept with the guy who looks like Jesus.
Typical.
Let's fuck under the stars. And by under the stars I mean in my bed underneath my glow in the dark star stickers.
So I can confidently say that I'm the only 3rd year engineering student who completed all 4 of their exams with One Direction pens
I had to rename my dildo. I met a little kid who named his teddy bear the same name. It just felt wrong.
yeah it's a weird friendship. we pretend that we're automatic besties but i know we both know i slept with her boyfriend
woke up on my floor using my jeans i wore out as a pillow
haha i wouldn't expect any less of you
First day of school is awesome. I get to meet my students and figure out which of their mothers I’ I’m going to bang
Randomize
