Please stop sending me picture messages of your shit. Seriously. I don't care if it looks like popcorn chicken.
new excercise plan: walk a mile get a bj then walk a mile home
you were saying "i am the vodka queen!" and then in a different voice replying to yourself "all hail the vodka queen! you are so beautiful!"
I need to stop having one night stands with guys in my building so I can have someone to borrow milk from without it being awkward
Walk-of-shaming home in that dress you got arrested in. Six guys called out your name when I walked past. I've never been more proud of us.
I just typed in random letters on his address bar... 5 out of the 6....a porn site was in the drop down list hahahahaha get a life bro.
I stole a fireplace last night.
You were walking around in your swim suit, an open robe, snow boots and a death grip on that handel of captain morgan.
At 27 it's no longer called 'slutty', it's called having a healthy sex life...
Dear awkwardly drunk roommate, thanks for stuffing enough change in my clevage that I could afford a pepsi at work today. Sincerely awesome roommate that put up with your drunk ass
NATIONAL GIVE A BOSTON COP A BLOW JOB BITCH ROAD TRIP NOW
Also I found and fixed my beer gun.
I also love my swipe to text changed a singular vagina to a plural vaginas. like my phone somehow knows I secretly want 2 vaginas
you said "it's karaoke night" and tried to use my dick as a microphone
K. The dog and I are outside. The Uber driver said "I hope he fucks the shit out of you"
Randomize
