You totally narrated your dogs thoughts for 2 and a half hours last night, and I was enthralled. I didn't say one word, I just listened.
He asked me to coffee and I had no choice but to be honest. So naturally I told him that sobriety and monogomy are not two of my strong suits.
This is going to be a 3 day beach sex fest. Do you understand
I know. She seems like she getting that "need some dick" restlessness. Might explain the feisty attitude
please promise me that no matter what happens you will keep me away from the children
Im drunk on a hayride surrounded by toddlers. they are judging me.
My phone now knows what I type and it prompts me with frequently used words. And anytime I use "and" and hit the space key two of the words are "unicorn" and "sausage"
Just be aware that next year I will probably try to seduce you to avoid going to the gym
So hungover. Have a black eye from where I tried to brush my teeth and stabbed myself in the eye instead. Should make the performance review I was stress drinking about go so much better.
Shit my boyfriend's roommate thinks thinks: I love getting woken up to the sound of my roommate getting a blowjob
I gave him a bj as a thank you for helping. I think that's good.
Remember the time you puked your contact lens out?
I don't get promposals. When I asked my date I was so drunk I couldn't lift my head. Then I puked on my lawn after he said "ok whatever". That's romance
If he's dating my cousin now, do I have to erase the pictures of his dick off my phone? Ugh, morals.
Apparently I gave a guy a hand job on the dance floor. ON THE DANCE FLOOR.
Randomize
