I have got to lose weight!! Apparently no one wants to fuck a fat chick with herpes.
So remember when i bet you that girl uses dick to validate her existence?
...yea
She's valid.
Made out with me girlfriend while she was peeing. all time high, or all time low?
if i were reduced to my simplest elements, i would be jizz and glitter.
where are you?
sonic
Good. I hungoveredly cleaned your room. This is what being married is going to be like. I pick the condoms up off the floor and you bring home the hot dogs.
He yelled IN THE FACE!! while cumming on my face.
Just made a makeshift menthol by rolling a listerine strip into a regular cigarette... Poor? Who, me?
Thanks for FaceTime'ing with that ugly chick last night while me and her friend were in the other room. it's good to know I can still count on my wingman even when we're 2000 miles apart
I just used a baby fork as a roach clip. I am totally the cool aunt.
You helped blow my nose... Ok it's safe to say we are on a new level of relationship..
Something I never want to forget. I'm in a porta potty and she is outside knocking on the door going "You're a queen. You're a queen. Never think any different"
Literally been in their house 5 minutes and I've projectile vomited all over the bathroom wall. The dog licked it up though so I think it's cool.
She said if you lived here it would be like the x rated version of 3's company
Do you ever wake up and realize playing beer pong with your parents wasnt a dream? Your mom really beat you
Is 6 weeks really a benchmark now?
Ask me in 6 more weeks, when they're in a bisexual polycule.
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