Jesus was obviously not given an itemized list of your sins before he died for them
Sometimes I think that I have too much self esteem
Then I realize that I'm just really fucking pretty.
You only ask me to come over when your gf is gone, and thats usually at midnight to cook chicken salad and watch you pass out
my knee is completely bruised from kneesliding into the bowling ball. bowling for creativity points was a win
Yeah, it kinda sucks. But it was fun while it lasted. And honestly, his penis is way too big for my life.
At what point lastnight did a lens fall out of my glasses and nobody tell me?
The next time you try to drunkenly strip me in public let's make sure it's not anywhere near the daiquiri factory or a group of police officers.
I desperately wanted to wear your shirt.
did you see me getting spanked by that lady cop who was a guy?
Also, I just realized you seduced me while in a batman onesie... Well done, sir. Well done.
I just want you to know that I think it is hilarious and wonderful that 40s are now your alcohol of choice.
Sending emails to my new boss whilst unable to move from the toilet seat because of alcohol. Great start to a new job as a school counselor.
Want to do me the honour of waxing my legs again before I go to Mexico? I feel like it's a tradition we shouldn't break.
Are you trying to say I've made an emotionally well rounded transformation similar to the Grinch?
Alright I'd bang a 4 sober, It's been like 3-4 weeks or how ever long 4th of July was ago. I wanna fuck something.
4th of July was 12 days ago. The date is literally in the text you just sent.
I don't care about the dates I just wanna bone something.
I bet I give better head than any other PTA mom.
Randomize
