hey babe. i'll pick you up in my mom's car. with my mom. she has nothing to do tonight.
you need to leave class get on facebook and start untagging IMMEDIATELY
the amount of times i have wished for a boxed wine emoticon is almost alarming. almosttt
I'm in charge of his party but you're a paramedic, we're both needed.
Last time we had a party like that I woke up naked on the pool table with a chalk outline around me and a empty bottle of jager duct taped to my hand.
Yea. I'm excited about this party too
Idk, you were a drunk pirate that kept stealing pieces of people's costumes to keep as your booty.
That would explain all the random shit in my room...
PROFESSOR JUST TOOK A SHOT WITH US BEFORE CLASS. WELCOME TO THE LAST DAY OF FINALS.
It's 1:26 and I have already found 5 fruit flies between 3 separate glasses of wine. This is supposed to be a summer problem. Fucking global warming.
You said you liked how I put the cream cheese on.
Y'know i appreciate how accepting you are of me being a terrible person.
Also my bed has glitter in it for reasons I do not recall
My one night stand asked me out to dinner. When he came to pick me up I got in the back seat. I thought he sent an uber. Awkward.
dude, totally just walked home...using pizza as gloves
On another note, I kinda only wanna poop laying down now
She sent a group text pic called "Assemble" of his dick next to her forearm.
I'm down.
Randomize
