Got some. In a truck. I will just pee you in the morning i guess?
ok shes still asleep, should i pee on her and say she did it herself? and by the time you respond to this ill probably have already made the decision
Oh this totally just became legit. My "boss" is puking outside my car right now. I win again.
just found my old 10th grade stash of beer in a shoebox. guess who's getting trashed tonight
nothing says happy new years better than a black eye from shooting yourself with a champagne bottle
i called him pencil dick in front of over half of his fraternity brothers...
...never gotten so many high fives in my life! fuck ya i win!
i walked toward the cop car thinking it was the liquor store lights nd by that time it was too late to escape the trap
At the hospital, the nurse kept telling me that i either had appendicitis, a tubular pregnancy, or an ovarian cyst. I kept asking if i could just have chlamydia instead...
No its cool I don't even have to do anything he is rapping to one of the strippers. He is punishing himself enough.
Found my smoke alarm in a ziploc in my toilet...again
EVERY guy that's EVER been in my vagina has texted me tonight for a booty call. Narrow it down to the greatest hits or just work in timeline order?
You're the only person I know who could blow literal chunks, laugh about it, then proceed to shotgun another beer. Love you champ.
I hit a child with a fudge sickle from a moving vehicle after he flipped me off, I feel like a God. Tell no one. My partner didn't see it.
Plus now I feel weird sleeping with you. It's like shooting a three legged deer. It's already at a disadvantage and couldn't get what it's full potential deserves.
I'm the girl holding the bag of goldfish
Randomize
