After we had sex, she played this little piggy with my toes
Its way too early to be sitting naked at his dining room table...
she complimented my bra when we were hooking up. this lesbian thing has its upsides
Just printed out my Plan B coupon at the library. Saving my own printer ink and paper as well as 10 dollars towards not being knocked up.
19 Unhappily Married People Confess The Red Flags They Ignored
She always acts like she's doing me a favor with a hand job. I've been giving myself hand jobs for almost 20 years.
At what point are you a chubby chaser or just desperate for sex?
Your remote is drenched in lotion and you expect me to believe you weren't masturbating?!
Do you remember unrolling paper towels as a blanket?
Listening to my boss get blown in the next room by a male bartender from the gay bar. And watching pawnstars. Tell me I'm not the best wingman ever.
These 23 People Destroyed Their Entire Lives In An Instant
She busted her face in a tragic twerking accident. Marking the 2nd time I have peed my pants laughing.
I need to get a job that holds me accountable for something. Otherwise I wake upon Monday wondering when the booze store opens and if I still have a boyfriend.
He thought he was ordering for the whole party so when he came back with thirty burritos and four of us were left, he wasn't happy
How are you feeling?
I mean, shattered dignity aside, not bad.
I had a dream that I got you so wet that you flooded my apartment
I am never drinking with the goths again.