well, 500 bucks doesn't grown on trees, and i need that bear suit for any chance of vagina access.
We found her naked passed out on the bathroom floor. She didn't even make it to the shower. She was clutching the bathroom rug.
I wanna get "leaving my dick in charge" drunk.
Drunk Tina signed up to be part of the crew team and got a text from the captain telling her there's practice tomorrow. Wtf
21 Ladies Confess The Grossest Things They Do When No One’s Around
I shouldn't be home alone with this much peanut butter and the dog. I feel like i'm being recorded to see when my desperation will peak.
you started looking at my couch laughing and saying to it "she thinks I'm talking to you" then proceeded to laugh and talk to the couch some more.
Just made a PowerPoint called "Reasons Why You Should Fuck Me" at his request. The sad thing is we've had sex before...
C'mon. I'm still an alcoholic at heart, regardless of its broken or not
I've grown it out to 70s proportions. I'm calling it my chastity pelt.
23 Tweets I Thought Were Really Funny When I Was Drunk Yesterday
There is a high possibility I will pass out with my hand in a bag of Doritos
I had to get my boss birth control a work today. I knew going to ASU would come in handy in my career someday.
I made my uber driver take a pit stop between clubs so we could restock on Xanax. #priorities
No. There is no way we have to stoop so low as to ask your dad for weed. There has to be an alternative.
So i woke up this morning to find my boss passed out on my living room floor.. Awkward? Haha
Oh fuck, I'm officially a cougar..he's got the same name as my grandson