i think i'm in class. and blacked out.
Reason #82 that I need to get laid: my pubes are getting split ends.
I don't think I have ever been told that I am "probably too drunk to pet the stingrays" by a cop before.
I just had to stop two people giving each other hand jobs in the pool. That was not something I was taught in lifeguard training
These 19 People Are Into The Grossest Sex Fetishes
Turned on my GPS and all that it said in the search bar was "beer,"
It's like you're a magic genie of bad timing
Are we really going to sext in Pokemon battle fashion?
I am sufficiently unimpressed with the options available to my freshly shaved self tonight.
I feel as if the hash cupcakes on top of mushroom chocolates was a little excessive last night
People Weigh In On Whether It’s Okay to Bang Your Roommate
Will you be my therapist? I don't want to tell me secrets to a strange person and be judged all over again when you have already taken the time to do it. Oh and I will pay you with alcohol
It's okay I missed my booty call by two whole minutes so I decided to delete him from my phone and then re-add him as "I am a douchelord"
Your children are clinging to me like my teets are full of bountiful milkiness. They're driving me nuts. I felt my uterus shrivel up.
If our sexual relationship was relative to the Harry Potter series, I would have claimed the Wizard's Cup at least ten times.
I ordered more beers for everyone but had to finish them all. I promptly went outside and projectile vomited in the street. Three times.
You would critique a dick pic. Damn art people.