you know you've been in a long relationship when u start retiring sex toys
you know you were refereeing rock paper scissors for who got to make out with your sister right?
I just told my boyfriend I think I might be pregnant using Emoji icons....
which icon did you use to tell him he's not the father?
It was awkward being the only one at the wedding who knows that the bride and groom met when she gave him a lap dance at a strip club
this is not okay. even my mom refers to me as a sorostitute.
gpnpr hd vmdd nm the ggrl whm was mn my lar
I need you to use more vowels.
I woke up next to him fully clothed but my thong was around his neck. Polling to decide if we had sex or not starts now.
don't mind me. just hanging out in this cool air conditioned Babies R Us until the liquor store next door opens.
THERE IS AN ENORMOUS FAT WOMAN EYEING MY FLIGHT'S GATE LIKE IT WOULD BE DELICIOUS TO EAT.
Holy fucking shit the worst thing for a hangover ever--A FUCKING BOLLYWOOD MOVIE BLARING IN CLASS
I just closed two deals on my laptop from my bathroom while smoking a bowl, like a bawssss. Working from home is my favorite.
I'm about to punish you for sending me a Snapchat of your boyfriend's morning wood
You attract beautiful men with jobs. I attract ONE WITH A SOUL PATCH.
it was a sexy soul patch.
Also, there's definitely not a non-hilarious way to ask to stick something up your butt.
Lynn just told me "I heard about your divorce. Condoms or morning pill your choice and I'm buying". Sorry but I got plans now bro.
Randomize
