my mario cart skills improve with alchohol. and i think my real car skills do to but the cop didnt see my logic
hows that letter of apology to the waitress at waffle house coming?
he asked me to smell his eyeballs.
I wish we could tell the moving van to wait at the strip club for a while.
riding the spinning bikes at the rec after Valentines Day was a baaddddd idea
My parents just out drank me... I cant get back to college soon enough
I am self-sufficient. I puked in a wine glass and emptied it in the trash. Points for style and neatness
He called me on my way to the bathroom and told me he wanted to hear me pee my beers out... That. Drunk.
Wanna get really high and go on a Valentine's Day Sexathon cause we're both single or would that be weird?
i don't know why he's complaining, i'm the one with four hickeys on my ass.
Every time I start to think he's just not worth the trouble, he puts his face down there and I wanna buy him a car
Yes, you can go into Petsmart drunk but the cats awaiting adoption don't appreciate the soft pretzels squeezed through their cages.
The lowest point of my life has been reached. I just drank half a jar of pasta sauce.
We were in the uber and you were crying because you wanted to be an Olympic gymnast. The driver tried to console you and you just cried harder
Come over I need help. I just almost died in an acid flashback while listening to do You Feel Like We Do off of the Frampton Comes Alive album.
Randomize
