My underwear smells like fireworks.
last night this guy was hitting on me by showing me the famous people he had in his contacts on his cell... when he asked me if i knew lindsay lohan, i said "whose that? sounds asian"
then the nurse gave me a bag with my personal belongings: phone, wallet. jacket, keys and a BTB burrito
I want to fuck you on the side of the bed tonight.
babe, don't say it like that!
I'm sorry, I want to penetrate you on the edge of our sleeping quarters this evening.
I just was on a 20min team conference call where I didn't speak, I used a Gus Johnson soundboard online to answer questions asked to me...the highlight of 2010
I accidentally screamed the wrong name last night. He stopped for a second, said "fuck it, you're too hot to care," and then continued fucking me.
Doing lines of coke with a $100 dollar bill off a 6in x 9in photo of your childhood self really tells you where you where you've gotten in life.
Last night we looked at each other with an expression of "fuck I am so done being normal", took off our shirts, and danced around in our bras
Babe. You eat pussy like a god warrior sent from a galaxy far far away to destroy female genitalia with new realms of pleasure. That's how I know your not gay.
So I've been in more fights on one leg than I've had on two.
now that we broke up we are playing hot potato with the cock ring.. Poor thing just needs a home
Curing hangovers with more alcohol was a great idea for the first five days
I wish I could say this wasn't the first time I shit myself in a Piggly Wiggly.
You tried to chase every shot with a blueberry.
Looking back, we probably shouldn't have chased alcohol with more alcohol
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