his pick up line was "wanna get a pizza and fuck?"
did it work
that's not the point...
officially spring now- first drug bust of the season across the street.
I have teeth marks. Like distinct upper and lower jaw.
Yeah me too. My shoulder looks rabid.
the arrest was probably divine intervention, cause i think we were heading to an ill-advised threesome.
I'm sorry for gagging during our first time having sex
I was drunk
Please answer
She's cute, but batshit. Like some kind of dominatrix disney princess.
My diabetic professor who apparently didn't eat anything all day keeps passing out. I gave him a joint. He's gonna be fine.
Even when you're down just know that I will always be the one to pour alcohol into your asshole when you're on probation
He said he "doesnt care at all, really" if I shave my legs or not. Challenge accepted.
This country song on the radio just had a rap break. What. No. Why.
He also deemed that the fact that I couldn't log into Netflix was not an emergency. He's wrong.
It's not my fault I make her feel like a Taylor Swift album
I just named someones junk. I should not be allowed to talk to people.
You're lucky I just like fucking you because you would really suck at being a boyfriend.
What did you spend the night in her closet?
She said she was saving me for breakfast and locked me in there
Randomize
