It was awkward until we both realized our obsessions with harry potter and sangrias were the same. Now were in love.
You need tk get a life and stop texting me about fictional characters. I don't give a shit.
Just fucked in his moms tanning bed. While it was on. Weirdest. Tan. Ever.
Another one? Damn, how many David's is that?
six.
Oh, I thought it was higher.
No, that would be the Matt's
Its 6am and I'm sitting on the couch watching Clifford. Crying into my risotto because emily elizabeth helped the girl in the wheelchair get over her stagefright so she can win a trophy. Never drinking alone again.
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Can u please come get me. My car keys are gone. Somehow I ended up sleeping in my trunk
Wasted on the beach. There's children everywhere. A six year old girl even stood over me with her hands on her waist looking down on me as I was passing out by the water
You tried to convince me you were sober by doing jumping jacks. For an hour.
Just used the leftover candycorn for candycorn vodka. Our house is trying to continue the Halloween spirit for as long as possible.
I just realized that I have to choose between a future orthopedic surgeon and a dude currently in jail. My life is so fucked.
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I really want some funfetti cake but I feel like its more socially acceptable to go out and drink
"Like what guy would respond to 'let's fuck. I've got bagels'??"
My booty call is in the theater watching Deadpool right now. Never though comics would work against me.
When I woke up I had 6 missed calls making sure I was ok and asking if I remember showing my tits to a picture of her baby.
We won like $80 last night at the casino, so if we get the Plan B we still have enough to get your basic bitch latte from Dunkin. Calm down.
So... my daughter's new girlfriend Is the daughter of the girl I dated on and off in college Who ran away because she got pregnant at my house party. My Legitimate daughter Is probably fucking my Illegitimate daughter...
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