I'd suck a dick for hot wings now. A metaphoric dick that is
I've been sucking dick for sushi for weeks now...hasn't worked yet :P
the toilet has never flushed louder then when you sneak home drunk and try to avoid your parents hearing you puke.
Ive given up on my natural charms. Im trying different accents till some girl wants to hook up with me.
grown man stumbling drunk down green street wearing nothing but a hot dog costume and crying. its not even noon yet.
at which point he tried to give himself a prince albert piercing with the stapler on his desk.
I found this letter on my leg this morning "dear sober self- we are one body now. It's weird but get used to it because it already happened" who the fuck is lionman?
I'm currently looking through google images of circumsized penises and realizing how vital pre-marital sex is.
I'm still drunk. it's summer. I just need a hot dog and an aspirin.
Can you bring me a corn dog or something shaped like one?
My snow day: told Cam, "we're not dating today, we're just roommates." No bra, boxers, drinking whiskey by myself for the past 2 hours, yelling at The Ultimate Fighter reruns from 3 years ago.
You gave him that scrunchie you made and called it your "sex offering".
coming down from speed on a 5 hour flight home from vegas is not a valid reason for calling off work the next day
so i said i had a yeast infection
Sometimes you wanna cuddle and sometimes you wanna get blown in the bathroom.
I don't care. We're going to fuck. And I WONT apologize in the morning. You cheated on me, so you can cheat on her with me.
I'm just too horny to handle empty house
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