Sometimes, when I'm driving alone I talk to myself in a Russian accent so I think it's my mommy and it calms me down.
it was almost as awkward as hearing my parents on friday nights in 2 in the morning starting, and than hearing at 2:01 my dad getting up and my mom going "i should have married a man"
I hate myself for saying your mom and I have the same friday nights.
don't worry... so do I
Lady came into work yesterday. Full on stache and beard. I've never concentrated on making eye contact harder in my life.
drinking steel reserve before noon and watching the price is right... 211... bet i pass out before then.
love makes seman taste better
they just dont make restraining orders like they used to.
There's a girl in front of me with a see through white shirt on and her back says I suck bad dick. Fun night hun?
Apple trackpads and semen don't mix. On the way to the Apple Store.
I understand where he's coming from but I don't want this alcohol to revolve around relationship
Wait
she's an english major so her sexts are something i look forward to
I never actually go in the club. I get in line, hit on a chick, and convince her to come drink all she wants for free at my house.
I just hope the day something happens to me my phone just dies, like literally died and will never turn on ever again. I feel like God owes me that much.
Well puke fest 2014 just happened
Woke up, bank account is empty. Sock is still full of blood. Nothing in my pockets but a wireless mic and jenga pieces.
Yesterday I febreezed my bed in between gentleman callers
Randomize
