We need to stop celebrating holidays that dont belong to us
He just asked for the blowjob I promised him 3 years ago that he'd get the next time Michigan beat Ohio State. Goddamnit.
Did you guys have sex yet? And don't worry, I broke the ice already by sending this to both of you. So you can just jump right into it. You're welcome.
I hope we all get so wasted that we ride the cows again
I'm too old for chlamydia. That's for 20 year olds who go to clubs and do drugs I've never heard of.
At first I was nervous about leaving him my undergraduate legacy, but apparently he made out with lesbians, woke up with hickeys and a different shirt. My family name will survive.
As I was about to fuck him, he requested a moment of silence for Leonard Nimoy.
I think I've had more sex in your bed than you have and I've only been here three days
Here's a tip: do NOT chant "MATTHEWS. MATTHEWS. MATTHEWS." during sex because the Packers won against the Giants.
I like your optimism Chelsea but I'm not about getting my salad tossed
So glad I can hide money in my wallet and drunk me is too stupid to find it. Hangover sushi ftw.
Wanna go on a picnic?
... by picnic I mean wanna sit on a blanket and drink with me?
I text the word "masturbation" so much, all it only takes my iPhone to auto-spell it is for me to type "mas".
Of course he did! You’ve seen my tits, you know he didn’t stand a chance!
I need you to know I’m weirdly very sexually attracted to Charlie Puth now
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