she's throwing a head of lettuce everywhere shouting HEADS UP and trying to get us to play catch with her. i'm scared.
im hiding in a corner. drunk. with a plate of stolen jello shots. im pretty sure people are looking for me or the jello shots.
I'm not drunk enough to eat silly string
some chick tossed a drink in your face at the bar last night. your mouth was opened so i think you ended up swallowing at least half of it. good job.
i'm sitting in class and looking at who would die if all the fans suddenly fell from the ceiling. i guess i have next year to pass history..
On that note if you see a hobo smiling with a pack of cigarettes and an AMP energy drink, that was my good deed for the day
well, obviously he didn't fuck me for my strong moral fiber.
The fire department told the police that I was inside the burning building trying to pee in the rest of the electrical Outlets. Booyaka.
Just got a Snapchat of his dick with the caption 'We miss you.'
That's true love, there.
Oh Jesus. Are you going to the hospital?
No I'm showering then leaving for Vegas
You've seen the quality of dick pics I normally get. The bar is high.
Dude, I work in two hours. Unless you can find Chris Hemsworth and convince him to have a three-way with us, I'm not getting out of bed.
Can you send me a picture of your dog? I might need to borrow him so I can wear a speedo to a pool party on Friday
all of these bad things happened because I didn't bring a shower beer.
I wish I could say this wasn't the first time I shit myself in a Piggly Wiggly.
Randomize
