I would kick you in the vagina but I'm afraid I would lose my shoe.
now everythime i write "i'm" in my phone my tap9 spells out "i'm-never-drinking-again". It's trying to remind me
So I had a Liz Lemon moment today....went to Chipotle to get my "cheer me up" burrito bowl for the 4th time this week and the chipotle guy sighed and said always the same huh?
You took a fire extinguisher off the wall in the hallway to play Ghostbusters.
Counseling BFF to break up with her BF. We will get that 3-way
He's either jacking off or listening to Kanye West.
Taking shots with an iv of fluids in, because I work tomorrow. That's responsibility. Employee of the month right here.
I just realized the only way to play Edward forty-hands is commando in a skirt. This intelligence kick is really doing me justice.
I guess "Ass Fun Friday" is not a thing no matter how many times I say it or bring it up in conversation...
He was the highest I've ever seen. Almost had him convinced there are only three colors in the rainbow...
I shoulda been born a dude. There's too much power in a vagina.
I'm going to book club and then I'm going to get laid. Being in your 20s ain't so bad sometimes.
IT IS NICKEL SHIT NIGHT
*shot. Why
dude, i told you to rally, so you sprinted upstairs, knocked some girl down, and without missing a beat said, "not now bitch, im in the fucking zone" and took off
We could just go to Vegas and celebrate my singlehood and not contributing to the population.
Randomize
