the shit that comes out of a woman's mouth when she knows you can't hit her is fucking unbelieveable
I woke up this morning and thought "Im sure I've seen this house in a porno" and instantly googlemapped myself
My morning has consisted of lying in a fetal position, eating a whole tub of ben and jerry's, talking to my cat, and setting all of our pictures on fire. Does that answer your question?
My own vomit just splashed me in the face. How's your day going
Just remember that she is a giant dick-sucking forehead and you are better than that.
Drunk me thought he was hot enough to overlook the fact that he had poison ivy and still have sex with him. Sober me wants to know if you have any calamine lotion.
I need like a hormone stopper. Or a chastity belt. Or like a lady business alarm that goes off when I'm being too drunk.
Well, I made it all the way to the gas station. And from there, I begged a cab driver who was parked outside, to give me a piggy back ride the final 2 blocks to my apartment. I wasn't in the cab. Didn't have to pay. Drunk me is smart, and very lazy.
So I almost just died there. And we need a new garage door.
Did we smoke in a portapotty last night? And if so, do you think the brown stuff covering my body is actually dirt?
You know what I realized today? That my biggest regret of freshman year was ditching you and that foam party to have a one night stand with a skinny jean wearing vocal major.
I am concerned for your priorities but also really flattered. Flattery wins
I don't think stranger penis made your tonsils bleed
I might as well just sew it shut at this point.
He could only go see Deadpool without his girl if he was black-out drunk... because spoilers. They're the perfect couple.
You sealing the pinky promise with a shot was much better than just kissing it
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