I accidentally threw away from slim jim and some lady saw me dig it out of the garbage. It was unopened but still, I look so homeless.
i had a dream last night that my liver tore its self out of my body and ran away.
there was this guy running across campus barefoot in the pouring rain stepping in all the puddles. i want his life. and i want to be stripper.
He was sitting at the table eating ice and said, "I'm pretty sure everyone in my family has nipples."
just so you know, you can get through airport security with handcuffs no questions asked
She looks like she smells of sausage, sunblock and sorrow.
I don't know man, I woke up and shes here acting like she knows me, wearing my clothes, and scrambling eggs in my kitchen. I don't know her.
You were drinking with me last night, I warned you.
Wanna have a sleepover and take me to court in the morning?
If there's anything else you're planning on stealing from me, please let me know so I can set it on fire
She turned down sex for beer pong. I'm not sure if I should be disappointed or not.
He drives a PT Cruiser.... that should have been my first clue.
I always feel bad for the sober driver... Never been me but I feel bad... empathetic AF
I mean metaphorically. Literally zombies have yet to invade. Let's be rational here.
You have ten minutes starting with this message to get here. Or I'm putting my clothes back on.
Longest 30 seconds of my life
10/10 so not recommended
Randomize
