It wouldn't matter if you are Jesus Christ himself, you are not getting into the bar tonight
I woke up covered in my own vomit with a pocket full of napkins. I guess I knew I would need them, but was not coherent enough to use them before passing out.
good news. it is gonna rain tomorrow so now I don't have to pay to clean the puke off the side of your car.
Help. Me. He just whispered 'prepare yourself', & sprayed hairspray everywheres to make sure the 'air was crisp'
Drinking down Plan B with a 5 hour energy. Winding down welcome week in style.
Um yeah. I just puked. And found your contact.
Asking the homeless man what buss shelter is the warmest was not a good idea
This is a mass text. First one to reply gets head.
Before anyone claims this, this chick is in my boyfriend's phone as "Worst BJ EVER!"
Does that mean you're calling dibs or can I?
At the ER, will you come pick me up... Had an allergic reaction, wanted to see if I could eat a peanut without dying... Do you how bad this is evolutionary, I would have died back in the days of survival of the fitest by now
(This is the second time ive been high enough to decide to run for office)
Sorry for the milk in the bathroom. I was washing mace out of the one security guys eyes
Didn't you used to babysit him?
18 years ago I helped him into his clothes. Today he helped me out of mine.
That is cause you are some weird type of mutant that lives off of Alcohol.
I've come to realize that I need a break from life when I just tried to use my address numbers as the cook time on the microwave
Dude like i feel like i did ALL OF THE DRUGS yesterday
Randomize
