saw "Pah-jure" lube. Thought of you. Wearing the same clothes to work tomorrow.
I stayed in, ate a pint of Hagen daas and watched a movie about aids. Soooooooo single.
You were partners with her mom and you began calling her "the Robert Horry of beer pong" You also kept telling her that she was hotter than her daughter.
Try denying you're gay when "I'm Not A Girl, But Not Yet A Woman" comes on Shuffle.
Fell into a man hole last night. I've been bleeding since 11pm. Got kicked out of the bar for being bloody.
I just found a babydoll head in my sink where we ripped it off and did shots out of it.
So i just got guilted into doing a tequila shot by a group of guys chanting "USA!" at me.
I couldn't sleep so I took 4 shots of vodka and promptly threw up in the sink. Happy Thursday
I was worried he'd break you after the hiatus your lady parts had to take from social interaction.
Find a vagina and bring it to me. Like feeding a tiger.
He also told me he would eat mozzarella sticks before having sex with me so I'm mad at him.
If you get me a sex toy for Christmas everyone in my family will question our relationship.
Our office went out together for the first time to celebrate the fact our coworker got fired.
Ever since I got to LA my dream self has been having sex with way too many rabbi's.
Through a complicated series of events, I wound up in the desert with a blue chick from comic-con. we lost peter. if you're alive, please come get us.
She told me the next morning I stared at her tits for like 15 minutes with binoculars from only a few seats away.
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