I just wish we had the ability to download food from our TVs.
We walked past a group of guys in front of a bar last night and they claimed, I quote: Wow, we'd actually have to work for that.
I just did something awful... i just had to tell someone... i just used my brothers electric face cleaner as a vibrator
smoking a cig and getting head on the last night of my cruise. and she doesn't mind that i'm texting you right now. this is now on my list of top 10 nights of my life.
I should never bitch about not getting laid. He's begging me to come over and I'm saying no because I'm watching a Golden Girls marathon.
They installed a lotion dispenser in the bathroom at work... its like they want me to masturbate on the clock...
the intervention consisted of my aunt taking me to chuck-e-cheezs and telling me that this was my future - either as a mom or as a waitress - unless i stopped fucking around.
did she buy you pizza?
He's like a fucking cake pop, the greatest thing in the world while it lasts, but it never lasts for long enough
I was about to take him home and fuck his brains out but then the police came and arrested him for the stolen credit card he had been buying me drinks with all night...
I hope you get your threesome on vday. I'll probably get flowers and a candlelit dinner. trade you. I wish this guy was more of a slut and had less of a heart. I would like 2 dicks please fuck your flowers!
First. I had the strength. Now. I am the death.
My New Year's resolution is to chill out on the group sex. At least with my friends anyway.
nothing like waking up to a voice mail saying your std test came back negative
She was blacked out on the couch MASTURBATING and whispering to her boyfriend...who wasn't there. I yelled her name and she didn't even pause.
The economy cant be that bad, I willingly got fired to bang her again.
Randomize
