$4 taco and $400 parking ticket. i am not a cheap date.
If you don't answer the phone then I will be forced to leave you a wonderful voicemail of me throwing up
never try to heat up a hot pocket in the dryer if ur microwave breaks...bad idea.
the way she shouted out instructions during sex made me feel like I was having sex with my gym teacher
still drunk. talking shit to the doc drawing my blood. this has no upside
The only word I understood in that whole setence was semen.
i'm soo broke, the only trip i can afford for spring break is acid
I broke up with him in the bar & then asked him if he wanted to have a contest to see who gets the most numbers. I say I took that break up well
How do I go about messaging a girl on a dating site whose little sister I've had a three some with...?
So I was putting on a condom and looked to my right to not make eye contact, she said did you just look at the American flag while putting that on. I said this one's for Team USA.
I was giving him a handjob in the woods and a family walked by
I got to my internship late... with a bag of chipotle and sex hair.
Come get your boyfriend. He is hammered talking to me about hot dogs and casinos.
Sorry I missed your call. I was in the shower washing away my sins and sweat. Please tell me you want to get drunk as shit later.
He gave us beer and shots and made us pizza in his brick oven before firing a handgun into the air to signal it was time to give us a ride in his inflatable raft to the bars.
He's like a mythological figure
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