im six kinds of drunk right now
Im am drinking whisky alone in my parents basement. I think I just watched the point of no return stroll by.
hey bro how do you do that fake vagina thing with the tp roll? im bored.
I mean I gotta puke to be skinny, wax to be hairless, and drink to be fun. Life isn't easy.
I think the camel was justified in biting me.
She made me be the little spoon then she pretended to be a jet pack for an hour straight
IT'S LINGERIE PURCHASED FROM A FLEA MARKET, THE ONLY THING IT'S GOING TO BE POSITIVE FOR IS A TEST FOR HIV
sometimes you just gotta eat tacobell at 2am and cry all your feelings out
Well, you were never considered a shining example of sobriety anyway
Yes I peed all over myself and lost both my credit cards, who wants to know?
She had never heard the term "grundle" before. Classiest girl I've met in months
Stop confusing me with every girl you know that doesn't like sex.
Pretty good. Thinking about getting day drunk and filling out job applications so I don't hate myself as much
I was totally going to fuck him and then his friend walked in brushing his teeth, whipped down his pants and started doing the windmill. Ultimate cock block
Girl behind me in line at CVS was getting impatient then outta nowhere blew up shouting that if she didn't get her plan B soon she might be a mom and that if we couldn't tell she'd be a horrible mom
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