i can smell the iron from margo's period blood from across the table.
theres no point in washing my sheets anymore. its always going to be a fine layer of booze and semen.
He came and then made the Jim Halpert face. does that say disappointment or what
Why am I getting the stink eye from these people? They're acting like BYOB isn't kosher in a laundromat.
You know it was a challenge blowing out the candles. It was hard to think of a wish, while drunk, with a concussion.
Crazy how fast a room full of drunk teenagers sober up when someone breaks his parents' new flat screen
While you were hooking up with her I pulled you off to make sure you knew what you were doing.
You said you were "testing the product for Chris."
I'm a bad man.
All together there was 318 cigarette butts in the pool... And my microwave.
You're asking your pregnant booty call to go to a funeral with you?
He literally lured me in the house with his cat then we ended up fucking on the living room couch while the cat just sat there and watched
Well, if you're anything like me you'll get a lot of ass when you turn 30, so that's a plus
It's not Christmas until you get a photo from an ex wearing a Santa hat and red boxers... And then you just respond with, "nope."
Turns out, it's impolite to repeatedly request Seal "Kiss From a Rose" at bars
He had been licking my nipple for like 5 minutes and it wouldn't get hard. He asked me to lick my own and when I did, instant hardness. I realized I'd rather have sex with myself then this guy ..
Dude. I just got a visual of u climbing over a bathroom stall to save my life.
Randomize
