from now on, im only gona ahve sex with my boyfriend.
too bad they don't have a 'people you may be able to do' thing on facebook. it would save me a lot of fucking time.
Um don't talk to me about fat. I just used my chip bag to cover up all my candy wrappers in the garbage.
spending the week with her family was quite possibly the longest ive ever gone without having a boner
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You're breaking my vagina 4 times a day I reserve the right to know your middle name.
Puked in my laptop case in the middle of my nutrition class.
How do you set tits on fire ? I swear her tits were on fire.
You better be coming back...your date is passed out in a shrub in my backyard and I'm pretty sure her shirt is on my kitchen floor
Because i love you. And people show love by not letting their friends shit themselves.
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'lets look at pictures of your friend's new baby' was probably the worst post-sex idea we've ever had
You kept running up to married couples, taking their pictures and begging for them not to get divorced
I made everything so magnificently awkward in under 15 seconds. I am magic.
Then she looked me straight in the eyes and asked me if I missed my foreskin. Weirdest conversation ever.
Did I seriously answer the door for a home delivery of weed from you and your boss while wearing last night's 80s rockstar face paint?
I don't trust my subconscious. It sleeps with my exboyfriend sometimes.
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