my lips still taste like vagina
so you liked breakfast?
ehh, still wish we woulda went to IHOP instead
Its official, cigarettes are now more expensive than weed
god, a vagina is an amazing trump card
Just threw up my room service breakfast with my fake eyelashes and pearls still on.
If you bang a chick other than your girlfriend while playing tiger woods on xbox I wonder if an accomplishment would come up...
I just saw "i'm bigger then that" as her facebook status. Would it be better to make a fat joke or correct her grammar?
For some reason, my father is not responding to the 5 texts I sent him that all read: "Dad dad dad dad dad dddaadd dddddaaaaaaaaad dad".
Just made hot dog dorito pasta. It happened.
Don't park in the garage. I installed a stripper pole while drunk and it's kinda in the way
All she kept whispering was put your pickle in my mouth. Then she fell out of her barstool and chipped her tooth
They need to leave so I can start drinking shamefully.
You literally chaperoned my booty call.
He stopped mid-fuck to explain his choice in pillows. HE WAS STILL IN ME!
Random boy motorboated me, handed me a business card congratulating me on my motorboat, winked and walked out with some other girl
Find him and marry him.
I imagine you as a cat holding your burrito with two paws and cutely eating it
Randomize
