I almost took home a boy from the bar last night, till i realized he was not speaking drunk, he was from another country and didnt know english. that could have been an awkward morning.
dollar beers will do that to you.
between no blow jobs for the rest of his life, or no cheese for the rest of his life, he chose no blowjobs. ive never felt so bad about my bj abilities before
You saying I have a drinkingg problem is like saying Superman has a flying problem.
Fuck. That. I'm gonna get drunker and make them regret they EVER put me at the kids table. I'm a MAN.
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I'd love to sympathize with you but I'm drunk in a mansion
i had a long naked conversation with the cop on why is everything fun illegal
i have a queen bed, a cherrywood bed frame, and gold sheets. how are you saying no to me right now?
Neither of us have work tomorrow and we live w/n walking distance. This is your official Sandy booty call. Come rock me like a hurricane.
Yeah he told me he wanted a serious relationship, but he's posting pictures of his dick on Kik.
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Ok. I'm gonna smoke some weed and look at some elephants without you then.
Why is our fridge full of girl scout cookies and rum?
You told me to go grocery shopping.
Another guy on Tinder just asked about "the hotter girl" in my pictures. I fucking hate being your friend.
I love FaceTime, every time you ring me the morning after its like I went home with your one night stand too.
Omg i got really stoned and used a makeup app on my grandma...well, I’m definitely not adopted
I think the cats may be lesbians. It could just be a two hour mutual bath but it sure looks like a 69.
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