I just walked by a homeless man reading the money section of USA Today...
Oh I forgot to tell you one of the little boys in my preschool class was wearing a Hooters tank top today.
You two kept repeating the same thing over and over. It was like looking after retarded pull-string dolls.
The saltiness of my tears mix perfectly with the tequila.
You insisted I take photos of you vomiting off the top of the tree.
She's lying on the sidewalk wailing that she is gonna die alone, with hundreds of strangers watching us, and also we lost Kate, . Please help me
My picture of a beer can in a McDonalds cup full of ice got more likes than my relationship with her. Is beer THAT much better than monogamy?
I wish you would stop telling everyone that your cock turned me into a Bears fan.
Oh shit I just realized the ropes are still tied to the bedposts
Any recommendations for how to tell your wife about the pics of her 19 yr old sister on a porn site without admitting you were surfing said porn site?
You're going to be mad because I got baked, but not that mad because I'm bringing home kfc.
I seriously just forgot to push down the toaster twice in a row \n\nSo I've been waiting 8 minutes for toaster strudels that I haven't even started... Too high
We're starting to light shit on fire, bring a metal bucket. Be prepared, Jimmy's off his meds.
The coast is clear - also, would it bother you if I chose not to wear pants?
That moment when you’re at the doctor to give a sperm sample you’re only getting 3G so the porn is buffering
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