would you object to me following you around all the time with a video camera and selling it to TV? Your life could make me millions.
mom took my condoms, found one in the trash the next day
I know she was great
Well I tried to steal a golf cart. I fought with the Chick-Fil-A cow. And other things.
he asked my vagina if she was excited to meet Leonard. LEONARD. His fuckin penis is named Leonard.
explaining to a nurse how i all most cut my finger off playing beer pong, she def just hand me a AA booklet.
Cuz its complicated and I hate complicated and I miss your penis
ARE YOU SAYING THAT YOU DON'T WANT TO GO TO A PARTY AT AN ADULT STORE WHERE A BUNCH OF HOT GIRLS ARE DRINKING
He can only pee with the faucet running. It's like I'm dating a fucking toddler.
Prop 8 repealed and I FINALLY got my period. Good day for America!!!
Everything is covered in gelatin and pam cooking spray. Jesus be a shield.
He seemed genuinely disappointed when I told him I wasn't going to make out with him to Bring Me To Life by Evanescence so I feel like I've pinpointed the breaking point of this relationship
dude where did you go last night?
when the tequila says to run, you start running.
My mom is worried I'm not eating enough protein so she's sending me 48 cans of tuna. That's not a typo.
They told him he could only pay in monopoly money and he pulls out a wad of it from his pocket... i think im in love
You started singing Baby Shark, screamed you have no idea how it goes, then somehow turned the beat into Bohemian Rhapsody
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