It wouldn't matter if you are Jesus Christ himself, you are not getting into the bar tonight
I think being a buddhist has made me a better drunk
Everyone knows relationships are a winter sport
By the way, I got bored last night and just started putting my balls on every object in your room. One at a time.
Do you think county jail has a Groupon?
Sometimes I love sober logical me. She makes rare appearances but when she does she shines.
we got her to the bathroom intime. all she could say was 'now my bladder is empty just like my soul'
There is nothing quite so pathetic as sitting in bed in your underwear eating easy mac in complete silence, waiting for Netflix to load
Lol what? Monday night impromptu acid drop was the alternative.
Liar. My heart is broken and my boobs are disappointed.
It's amazing how hard it it while drunk to not comment "fuck you" on dumb peoples' statuses
eh, I feel I'm heading for a breakdown and I need to get it out of the way before I start writing that lab report.
I love how u said nothing about the sidewalk sex but refused shower sex
I JUST PETTED A FUCKING SQUIRREL. A SQUIRREL.
I actually talked to his parents last night about it. haha. I had a bottle of smirnoff in my hand, I'm sure they took me serious.
Randomize
