Angelique from Rock of Love is now doing phone sex commercials for central illinois....id say she's going places.
Unemployment check just came in. As soon as I stop pretending I have morals I'm buying weed. Puff puff pass uncle sam.
Do you think we could brew coffee with beer? I'm thinking a hazelnut Guinnesspresso can only end with pure awesome.
my hand froze to the top of can of beer cuz i fell asleep outside. i decided to find a way to open the bottom of the can before addressing my severe frostbite. PRIORITIES!
If I get aids I am starting a lawsuit against snapchat.
You were upset that she was flirting with your boyfriend so I thought the best game plan was to show her my boobs and get her to make out with me instead. I am the greatest friend on absinthe.
That's right. I did.
You are the saddest 25 year old gay man I've ever had the displeasure of knowing.
What if he stabs me in the back, mid-orgasm, as I sit on his face? It'd be a miraculous way to go but that's not the point
I seriously need to grocery shop. I have a slice of cheese, and alcohol.
She's like the Jonah Hill of sorority sisters.
That guy was cool until he tried fighting that dude in the bow tie. I need better wingmen.
I'm the only person I know who could have actual sex and then dream about my vibrator.
It's 6am and I had to explain to the gas station attendant why I didn't have shoes on and I'm covered in maple syrup.
the next morning we realized we didnt speak the same language... guess i subconsciously did learn a little german last semester. thanks study abroad.
ah the experiences a semester in Vienna can give you. Frau would enjoy knowing that even while sleeping during class you still managed to learn enough german to get laid
I can't tell if my heart is fluttering because I love him... or if it's palpitating from all the coke.
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