wow, farting in latex pants is really awkward.
I apparently took a 45 minute shower, and became best friends with his mom.
watching hot guy on train scrolling with his blackberry's track ball... o to be that track ball...
There's a paramedic out here, what have you done?
bong water from a few floors above me just splashed onto my face when i was looking out the window. Happy 4/21 to me
I don't care if we have to swim home from the bar, Im not gonna sit home in the dark and read some fucking book
Why do you think it's a no-pants party?
Invite says "dress to impress". Her fault for leaving it open to interpretation.
He equated my biology degree to a belief in Santa. I wonder if he heard the doors to my vagina clanging shut.
When exactly does a bender just become a lifestyle?
At least you got a round of applause for dancing like vanilla ice across the street and into the bar. Even as you were getting carded
He started making out with my boobs. I didn't know whether to be proud of my boobs or ashamed of my mouth.
Cause I know you wanna ride the D like a Vespa in ROMAN HOLIDAY
Why is there a business card for people who need bail bonds in my wallet...
Please tell me im imagining that i claimed that i was king of the ducks.
Either my boss has an enormous dick or he’s hiding a can of tennis balls in his bike shorts
Maybe I will go to the company picnic
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