i threw up in his kitchen sink and then used a measuring cup to drink water because i couldn't find a clean glass. i just threw up down the stairs. it's gonna be a long walk home.
there were no ball for pong so he bought cat toys..... they had bells in them
I sat in the mc D drive thru and refused to move till the chick gave me her number
there's a sign at taco bell and it says "bacon and ranch make everything better." it speaks to me.
I passed out on my porch last night. I'm still making it to class. This is what growing up means.
the cop didnt laugh with me when he patted me down and pulled out my flask.
3 a.m. laundry plus 100 proof peppermint schnapps does not turn out well. Not only is there a puddle of detergent outside the laundry room that I spilled, but my clothes were found in the dryer wit a box of Franzia and a 40. Good thing I was too drunk to turn it on.
Accidentally peeing a little on the couch in the middle of a sneeze is way different from railing a random on our waffle counter. I am the better roommate.
It's like all my brain cells are screaming at me.
I'm dying.
I want what they have, but in the meantime I have a whole bottle of rum to which I'm quite devoted
No. I heard a cover of "my heart will go on". This is not sanity.
I have no idea what that means but I'm googling things just so I can watch my thumbs move
Wife and kids came home early...naked passed out covered in chili cheese Fritos dad will haunt them forever.
And remember people can't hear you kick ass in space
Your dick. My mouth. We have 20 minutes.
Randomize
