my dad just told me that a lesbian kissed my mom at a bar last year
He has that cheese in a can and he's eating it. I have never seen that outside a goofy movie.
there was a guy who was being paid to stand outside of Abercrombie without a shirt on... normally i would be okay with this but he was 40...
a commercial for my antidepressant came on and they said you shouldn't take if if you drink right as i took a shot
god is laughing at you again
i woke up in his bed to a "teach your baby to read" infomercial. i pray to GOD that's not a sign
By the end of the cruise, there was literally nothing in our room he hadn't peed on.
Turns out I wasn't throwing up blood, I just threw up so hard it ripped my tonsils. Thank you Jameson.
Watched him slip somethin into her drink. Dragged him of his bar stool, punched him out, and told her what i saw. Bartender used some chemical to confirm presence of rophynol. Just woke up at her place
The fact that she put a frat guy in check tells me I did some good raising my little sister. Time to see if she does keg stands.
Just walked into the bathroom and looked straight ahead and made eye contact with a guy taking a shit through the crack in the stall door...
I keep thinking your bag of thongs is a bag of chips. So mad I can't eat them.
Sitting in my car feasting on the spoils of Taco Bell as Donna Lewis croons "I love you, always forever." A more perfect moment will never exist.
I'm not sure when I will get off this toilet at work but it's not looking promising
I wanna snuggle with you as we feed each other chipotle burrito bowls and that's just where I'm at right now
On cleanup... i've counted 94 solo cups so far.. oh, and i found a miniature top hat in the microwave
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