So I hogged the stall at Denny's for so long that a little kid shit his pants and ran crying to his mother. Am I a terrible person for this being the proudest moment of my life?
I heard you threw up in your lap?
I heard that too.
I just figured out that you can toast a marshmallow with a butter knife and a cigarette lighter. I'm like a retarded Mister Wizard
My worst case scenario tonight is that I fuck a hot Swiss girl. Let that give you perspective on my life at the moment.
Thank you for FINALLY joining the Slutasorus Rex club in this conversation.
And to top it off I think that was the first time in history that anyone has used "oh just taking care of her grandmother and doing porn" in the same sentence.
the other day i was so high i found pages and pages of pictures of HD hamburgers and patriotic music. bong rips for merica.
we could do so many fantastic illegal things together. sexually and otherwise.
Yeah plus that night got so disgusting it's basically a repressed memory anyway
As your friend, who loves and cares for you, I have to be honest. I am judging you so VERY hard right now. Sorry.
I better get weekly incoherent text messages or I will assume something is wrong.
IM FILLED WITH SANDWICHES AND SELF LOATHING
You are now at the point where people no longer question whether or not you might be on drugs. They now know for certain that you are
Apparently we fucked, I kicked him out, then he came back and we did it on the coffee table and in the kitchen.
Just think how much she’ll hate me when she finds out I fucked her father
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