my life is one jail cell away from being a bad country music song.
The last thing I said to him last night before telling him he couldn't give me a kiss goodnight was pointing at his dick then at me and saying "this isn't working out"
Listen, you need to start thinking with your vagina and not with your heart... That emotional shit is for your 30s.
I swear, he has the body awareness of an acid-tripping quadriplegic.
Fun fact of the day: Our cat does not like rum.
Random question, but did I leave a spoon on your dresser last night?
Apparently I walked to Denny's in the pouring rain without shoes just socks last night. Excellent.
according to the video, you won you first drunken karaoke contest based off of your actual singing abilities and not because you took your shirt! I've never been prouder :)
my brain is opting to stay half drunk rather than relearn how to think. the rest of me is in no position to argue.
Doing the walk of shame at 1 AM. Stumbled across a rave. This night is epic.
Did we really just set fireworks off in a cemetery? Or was that a dream?
I think so and I think we were sober.
after attempting to eat a candy cane bigger than my hand i have determined there's no way to eat this that doesn't seem erotic
He's good looking but he really sounds like kermit the frog, can you imagine how fucking him would sound like?
You know you suck at relationships when you are sitting in the airport on Christmas day, alone, swiping on Tinder.
my morning attempts to try to have sex with him was interrupted by the passion of the christ parade going on outside my house
Randomize
