I would give up sex for lent, but I think Jesus would understand that I went too long without it to go back now.
We have a guy passed out in the bathroom with one of our pots. Not sure if he's your friend so I let him be
Just had a 10 minute long conversation with my cat about how if I died, and he needed to eat me to live, I'd totally be ok with it. Definitely still drunk.
You screamed 'no, YOU put some pants on' at a cop. I pretended not to know you.
The guy at the door just stared only at my boobs and said "I'm gonna let you in." 'Merica
We left the bar and you kept yelling "ONWARD SCION, TO GLORY!!"
I've never had someone so bad at kissing. It was like he was trying to block my airway with his tongue and he succeeded...
In hindsight, I probably should not have let the waiter give me a chiropractic adjustment on my neck last night.
My puke in the shower morning just turned into a puke in the restroom at work afternoon. I'm the human embodiment of dumpster fire.
I really need to curb my attractions to blondes with tattoo sleeves, firearms and alcoholism
If you ever tell anyone I offered you boob squeezes for cheetos, I'll kill you
I just slammed a bottle of white wine before I came to Whole Foods so basically I'm just training to be a middle aged white woman.
My party ended early and I have a mountain of shrimp and weed
She told me the next morning I stared at her tits for like 15 minutes with binoculars from only a few seats away.
Very mixed signals tonight. He gave me the best handjob while gloating about the Superbowl to his dad on the phone. When he was done he left me on the sofa alone for ten minutes before returning with wet wipes beer and nachos.
Randomize
