soo apparently i was out of money so i stayed in the bathroom for an hour-ish passing out paper towels for money..needless to say i got kicked out
My landlord wasn't pleased about the new fire pit we built him.
I feel like I've been slapped by Gods icy cold dick of vengeance.
Well I tried to steal a golf cart. I fought with the Chick-Fil-A cow. And other things.
He just dragged himself across the floor on his back claiming to be "the swiffer" help
is year to celebrate how much I love you, I made a mosaic of your penis with conversation hearts. it's in your mailbox.\n\nHAPPY VALENTINE'S DAY TO YOU
I gave up trying to understand them years ago. Now I'm just trying to fuck them.
It turns out tequila bombs is really code for straight shots of tequila…who would have guessed?
SHE SITS THERE LIKE A DICK LIKE AN ACTUAL DICK JUST LIMP AND DUMB AND BLAH
I knew us throwing ourselves at him back in the day would pay off. I'm gonna b a divorcees rebound. Score!
don't judge my taste in strippers
You told us that you were going to become a 'new man' and threw your tv set out of a window.
at one point while they were drilling into my jaw I just remember thinking "will I ever be able to suck dick again"
Drake has all the answers
I signed the divorce papers. Can I get a blowjob now?
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