i may or may not be watching the land before time
someone made her a trophy at 4 in the morning and presented it to her in the bathtub
I don't care if we have to swim home from the bar, Im not gonna sit home in the dark and read some fucking book
I legit just woke up on my couch, snuggled up next to some guy who's wearing my roommate's pink bathroble. What the fuck do they put in those shots?
You should have seen her, she looked like a skinny Jabba The Hutt
That literally makes no sense
Exactly
I woke up this morning in the house, I didn't realize it was physically possible to duct tape a person to the wall...
Okay do all 29 year olds have erectile dysfunction or just the two I've slept with?
The worst thing about him living around the corner is that who ever suggests the booty call is the one that walks over.
You played Frank Sinatra today after we had sex. You moved way up in my literal book of men. Congrats.
Drinking a bawls. If I'm dead when you get home, yes, they are poisoned.
I just choked eating whip cream from the can, and peed a little because I was coughing so hard. How am I still single.
Imma go take shower so I can cleanly change into my drinking underwear.
I can guarantee he will smoke me out and I won't feel bad about it because he gets to touch my butt.
1 fuck you 2 fuck her 3 ur forgiven 4 im breaking up with her
It's not even 8pm on a Friday and I've already got a guy to tell me how big his penis is. Watched anything good on Netflix lately?
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