just found a beer in my hamper. even my laundry is a dirty alcoholic.
My professor just suggested making the state of the union more interesting by turning it into a drinking game. Brilliant!!
shes perfect for him. shes never seen a penis so she has nothing to compare his to.
so I woke up without pants, but my cardigan was still on and fully buttoned. curious.
some girl just asked me if I was that guy that hooked up with nine girls in one night. officially a local celebrity. gonna try and autograph her boobs.
You kept trying to throw the grocery cart off the balcony.
I was cracked out naked on a toilet pretending I was posing for playboy.. Shit got weird, but apparently I had a good bday.
College is a time for personal growth. Meaning it's time to start using those pickup lines on randos at dive bars.
You straddled the banister and fell down the stairs, then proceeded to crawl back up them, I think you need to lay down
There was a cop outside the house so we just put the alcohol in this watermelon
How am I supposed to be friends with him when there's an exact replica of his dick in my underwear drawer?
Blow job season was short but glorious.
Whether ya want it or not, it's gonna happen. Assimilate to the gay
I miss my bedroom and my bed and being able to spray myself with my choice of 15 different perfumes so I don't have to wake up to the smell of my past sins
Depends how u look at it. Half-full, half-empty, or how should I shave my pubes
Randomize
