I knew you were gonna be a good wingman when the words "dibs on the chunky one" came out of your mouth.
this is hardly the first time i've been told i'm dressed "too suggestively" for 7 in the morning.
you had "tips for anal sex" in your google search history this morning. how was your sunday night?
Thank you blackberry messenger, for giving me a way to sext faster and more efficiently
She gave me a handjob while eating a mcdouble with mayo on the way home from the bars at 2 in the morning. Car was full of people. This could be forever
No driving. The car is spinning. I am praying for mcdonalds.
She stole my hamster. idk who she was, she just walked in and said she knew Keith so she stayed, drank 6 beers, and then stole Charles.
There are 144 bottles of wine in my mother's pantry. She just shrugged her shoulders and said it was for the wine pong tournament on Christmas Day.
He took the bartender's challenge and took a Jello shot with a tarantula frozen inside.
A guy wearing a shirt that says "eat shit and die motherfucker" just held open a door for me. He's got manners.
I would recommend NOT getting ass enhancement shots.
I think I need a restraining order. I had 15 "selfies" of him on my camera roll......my phone has a lock code on it.
I feel like I just did it with Buster from Arrested Development. Taking a shower. #winefail
I'm standing on the corner in a banana costume and cape with frozen bananas in my utility belt reassessing my life decisions.
so my dads pretending to use the snow blower and theres absolutley no snow one the ground.... someone should really lock our liqour cabinet
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