White wifebeaters are like orgies with fat people. Enjoyable in private, i'm sure, but in public: no thanksss.
i freaking love being in a circle of guys. if i fart none of them suspect me.
Don't feel too badly. Until twenty minutes ago my paper was a heading and a pizza order.
If you dont, I will tell Dad you are gay.
Fine, and I will tell him you fucked his business partner
Previous statement retracted.
Her face was so far in my boobs, I didn't think she'd make it out. She took it like a man. She's a real trooper.
Housing is going to charge us for any broken dishes/glassware. Steal as many glasses as you can from the bars tonight. I got the baking dish and 3 plates covered.
I seriously just found a rose petal in my vagina.
How did "just two beers for happy hour" turn into naked backyard wrestling?
You went into the shower with my roommate and cursed him out asking why he was there
Last night you made me help you pick the raisins out of a kashi bar and acted like it was the most important thing to ever happen to you or our friendship
I found out my butt plug has a metal core at the airport security checkpoint...
What's more sad than going to Target to buy Plan B and the new Sam Smith album?
Seriously. If I'd known all it took was a 29 year old UPS guy to make me feel THIS SEXY, I'd have been fucking them for 30 years.
I'm currently sitting at your kitchen table eating chicken nuggets that I dug out of the trash and thinking about how much I need to get laid.
at one point, you reached into your purse, pulled out a tampon, and proceeded to rub it on your lips like chapstick... that drunk
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