Jerry, you need to find god
Friends don't let friends fuck ugly girls. WALK AWAY FROM HER!
I hope you get used to having plenty of sperm because you're never gonna get any.
Why am I drunk on a roof painting at 11 in the morning
It was unlikely that the relationship was going to end with anything other than antibiotics.
Going out so taking the 2nd 1/2 of beer w/ me ont'tube in a Pringles tube. I give money to people on the street that have more self respect.
I lost my keys but found four buffalo wings in my pockets
Drunk Tina signed up to be part of the crew team and got a text from the captain telling her there's practice tomorrow. Wtf
I really gotta be careful. My email inbox is equal parts notifications from instructors and this dude's dick. If I get drunk and reply to the wrong thing I might get kicked out of grad school.
I was just sitting on the ground alone in fetal position shivering and chewing on my hand when she found me. ecstasy was not my best idea.
I don't listen when you talk. I just try to find new creative ways to get you to send me naked pictures.
New one-upper goal: I have to shit off the side of a moving train then jump off
He's not drinking on his 21st. Shooting vodka infused Nerf bullets at him would just make a mess and I don't want to be a creep and spike anything... I don't understand awkward boys
I'm like, not good at living.
MDMA, margaritas, mashed potatoes and ice cream aren't keto Kristin
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