Duck Duck Cougar?
I feel odd... a had sex with a chick and she keept her socks on...
bruce springsteen sings some of the most romantic songs i've ever heard.
the hells wrong with u
I drank so much Goldschläger last night, I could shit a necklace.
Getting high on the stoop of a brownstone in the middle oh harlem. Doesn't get much more hey arnold than this.
they are using this drunk girl like a spin the bottle in the hot tub, whoever she lands on she makes out with.
Today needs to die. The mail delivery guy watched me throw up in my yard while taking my chihuahua out in Christmas pajamas at noon. Low point in my life.
Just thought you should know the man you CHOSE to father your children has once again fallen asleep on the toilet. thanks mom
Pitting the remainder of the bottle against my hangover. I'm expecting an all out cage match for my soul and wellbeing.
The dude at Coffee Bean just handed me my tea latte and whispered, "pomegranate blueberry is such a sexy flavor". With a wink. I'm almost certain that there's an STD floating around in my drink.
The night before doing drugs with your bro is like Christmas Eve that made love to thanksgiving that made love a virgin.
Is it bad I'm drunk at orientation
You've been there for 12 hours, what are you supposed to be doing
Not be drunk
If waking up at 6 50 pm every day and getting invited to go have sex as you wake up is what alcoholism is like I can get use to this.
A stoners worse nightmare? Well packaged snacks. Just took me 5 mins to get a cinnamon roll out of the package. And another 3 mins to properly type this text
A Morman just tried to recruit me and I told him "Trust me, you don't want me"
Randomize
