I love you!
You're insane
Fuckin crazy man! Seriously though I think if you would have me I honestly seriously think about marrying u!
Alright now lets video chat so I can xshow u my dick! Hahahaha
It was all about her orgasm last night. I felt like a human dildo.
He took the lighter and said "this is how I give myself a bikini wax."
just ran into my gynecologist at the liquor store... i think she's found the source of my problems
The bartender just started bringing me gin and tonic in a pint glass to save himself trips...
He left his umbrella behind in my bed to 'keep me company', then stole my front door key before he went to work
Im going home to examine my vagina with a hand mirror. wish me luck.
Only you would get a date out of getting hit by a car
Is this girl REALLY making a smoothie in the bathroom right now?
Why is there a cash register on top of my car?
I took a 19 year old to a strip club and ended up in a three way. Divorced life might be OK.
I'm sexting with a 20 year old that has a foot fetish... This is what Sailor Jerry drives me to do.
I didn’t not spend thanksgiving morning making out with him in a diner parking lot
Just did coke off my highschool yearbook. Not much has changed in 5 years.
Right. He was like "I'll be here all night if I have to..." I was like "Well then, I'll have to call the cops..."
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