A guy just tried to send me a pic of his penis & my phone sent me a disclaimer saying "the components were unsuitable for your terminal"
Even your phone knows you shouldn't sleep with him...
the last thing i remember is inserting the sippy stray into the jack daniel's.
i'm sitting pantsless eating potato chips and watching porn before he picks me up for our date. I hope he's ready for this...
I decided to buy a keg of Miller Lite instead of paying the electric bill. Just thought I'd give you a heads up...
His phone pocket dialed me while he was crapping. He was quietly singing stayin alive and possibly passing his intestines.
He ended our Skype call with, "I'm going to poop and then go play my ukulele in the park."
he signed me a blank check so today i get to decide if i want to be a saint or a millionaire
It's like they're playing jeopardy and the category is "things that make women dry."
Should I be concerned you put your last name in my phone as "danger"?
I'm not gonna lie. The thing I miss the most about him right now is the air conditioned hotel rooms.
considering I just took 3 shots of fireball I don't think I'm coming back tonight. also the hulk just walked in crushing beer cans on his forehead
No fair. I need a fuck buddy to entertain me till the power comes back on
I'd cum everywhere if I could have chicken nuggets right now
Nothing screams "crazy cat lady" like a nursery in your house when you're over 30, single and have no kids.
Dude, I just masturbated with my cat sleeping on my boobs....
You have GOT to get this crazy cat lady thing under control. I'm finding you a man. And you'll take him, and thank me. After that text, you have no right to be picky.
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