so i woke up with ketchup and a sticky boob on my face...this is a new low
i feel like the song jizz in my pants was made for him.
last night i found out that my 11 year old cousin used me as an example of what not to do in her D.A.R.E. speech. awesome.
arguing about whether his trip to england or my trip on acid was better
Well, I'm eating cake, watching wedding videos of people I don't know, and crying. Clearly I'm a vision of mental health today
Champagne is a vitamin, right?
All is not lost. The bondage chair came with repair seals and glue. It's like the knewwwwwww this would happen.
I woke up surrounded by goldfish. Thank God my laptop was here too. Now I don't have to leave my bed all day.
The best part about this city is obvious. Someone saw me crouching by a bar pissing in my leftover Panera bread bowl and they just winked.
I'm not leaving my family to go to a strip club on good friday.
I was basically just fingering myself and thinking about space.
not only was there glitter in the toilet after i peed, but there was some on the toilet paper after i wiped. this cant be healthy.
You tried to see how many socks you can stuff in yor mouth and I just put on a damp sock. Is this what bestfriends have come to these days???
On a scale of 1 to 10, with 1 being “good” and 10 being “banging a student’s father”, how bad is it that I’m banging a student’s father?
all my friends are getting married and here i am in a committed relationship with rum
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