I think I'm going to try and hook up with that blond tonight.
I'm going for alcohol poisoning.
closing bar tabs have helped me with simple math in college.
Going abroad, it was like my vagina was in a candy store... a sweet sweet british candy store
He adopted an old drug sniffing dog so that he won't lose his weed around the house anymore. It works.\n
no. you're not making a beach trip out of my abortion.
Rehydrating your liver back to life is never a good idea.
every Thursday i draw one of my friends names out of a hat to choose who i will drunkenly text all weekend
I'm pretty sure I just crapped out my pancreas. I have 2 of those, right?
There are reggae songs being written about me...where have I gone wrong in life?
I told you all we needed steroids to survive the tour de franzia, like the bikers. But nobody listened...
I need to buy fuckboy repellant for whenever I think it's a good idea to meet boys I found in tinder
HAM AND WEED HAM AND WEED HAM AND WEED HAM AND WEED HAM AND WEED HAM AND WEED HAM AND WEED
So now I'm just going to brush my teeth, get high, and go to sleep. Like an adult
I wasn't going to drink tonight, but was reminded this is the anniversary of prohibition being repealed. If I don't, then I am against my profession of bartending and anti-American, right?
He was my first marine! I wanna remember his name!
Randomize
