I still think their baby is ugly. I also still think it's yours.
I bet i've been more pregnant than you.
You should ask if we are margaritasing tomorrow. and yes i did just turn that into a verb
It's not my theme song, it's my blowjob song. There's a difference.
We looked at pictures of a Texas banjo contest from 2006 for a half hour and then were surprised by who won. That stoned.
I woke up to a hotel manager knocking on my car ( window was down) and asking if I was ok
Things bear mace does not do: repel bears. Things bear mace does do: piss off bears, give bystanders asthma attacks. Lesson learned
Sorry about sucking tonight. Drunk truck fucking is apparently not my strong point.
I've thrown up in front of nearly every customer we've had today.
She told me I made the cut, and to write my name and number on the white board by the door. I was the 7th number down.
We walked in and someone handed her an unopened bottle of jack with her name on it. She's like a drunken celebrity.
Let's just say his oral game was lacking. Hell, lacking is too nice of a word to describe it.
it's unicorns you uncultured swine
It's official. My little brother has had more sex in my car than I have. I'm still tied with my little sister. I hate everybody.
Some nights you do cocaine till 5:00 in the morning, and the next night you teach yourself how to crochet. It’s called balance.
Randomize
