Almost ran you over in the parking lot. You look good
if creeping was an olympic sport, i would be a lock for the gold right now.
I'm basically sure i was the reason for glitter on his penis
Just woke up. I have a "Detective Jacob Arnold's" business card in my pocket.
He said he wanted to see my room, not my womb. It's a common mistake.
What's the kids name that was drinking stale beer and redbull out of the blender?
I elbow dropped a bag of ice to break it so we could make margaritas. I bled everywhere. Be proud.
This Halloween will be different. I'm just here to get shitfaced, not troll around looking for slutty nun pussy.
I woke up naked on my futon with a blanket half way covering my ass and 20 half eaten chicken wings on my chest... At 7 pm... That kind of day drinking
I am going to piss jack daniels before daylight.
Daylight. It is daylight. Who will give you a ride back?
I hope no one. I want to walk and have a bus hit me.
I shoulda been born a dude. There's too much power in a vagina.
Last night at a party someone grabbed my ass so I just fucking punched them in the face then went home and ate a frozen pizza
My grandma just invited me to gate crash a funeral for the free food. Priorities.
feeding cats lunchmeat on my kitchen floor. come pour me another shot.
and by running errands I mean eating an entire bag of milanos by myself in the Walmart parking lot
Randomize
