just ate pastrami before passing out in my hotel room. My room smells like a petting zoo
i threw up in a trash can last night at kellys irish times. but in a trash can because i'm a lady
I swear to God, I saw my life flash between my legs.
So the "just a friend" kid confessed his love for me...sometimes I hate how awesome I am.
the realtor just took us to a house I had a one night stand in. I feel like it's a sign.
He only had napkins in the bathroom... no toilet paper. If I fuck him, am I settling?
Who are these men, what are we doing here, how is this helping us toward our goals of sex and pasta? Things to consider.
Wait. You NEVER used a Dizzy Doodler pen as a vibrator?!?
Soooo we should kick it sometime when it's like light outside. Drink outta cups.. Be bitches. 7, 6, 3, 5.. 4, 2, 1... Sschhkiddaellladiieessscchk
If I don't singlehandedly make your gf realize she needs to straighten the fuck up or ruin your relationship before I leave I have failed you as a friend.
WEED BROWNIES! He put weed in my brownie mix! And he got it from YYYYOOOOUUUU!
Look at the bright side mom. After 20 years dad is still capable of surprising you!
Shut up Max.
honestly i've never been more attracted to you than when you threw up on my floor
I'll give you some leg action but I'm not showing you anything else until your penis admits it loves me
Just stopped at a cross walk because the light turned red 3 streets down. I'm way too high.
It's fucking 2020, I should be able to watch Netflix in the buff while making brownies without you getting preachy about it.
Randomize
