well recently, every guy I have hooked up with has been economy sized
my mom heard me say 'don't squirt that at me' while me & him were in my room. She then decided to call my aunt and complain to her that she has the sluttiest daughter in town. she refused to believe me when i told her i was talking about gel.
I'm with your mom on this one.
i was just singing like a virgin out loud my mom told me to stop kidding myself
Drinking Grey Goose on the toilet. Don't make me graduate.
the pub in dfw airport has a countdown timer to st. pattys day, to the second, i like texas
He took a banana and in front of everyone showed her how he wanted it done.
Totally forgot this... How weird was it when they were licking our faces
Woke up this morning with my period. Saw a commercial for the beginning of Shark Week. I see what you did there, Mother Nature. My pad's off to you.
I'm 2 beers deep on an empty stomach, and I just wanna say, I pride myself on my use of commas
I guess the lesson here is that I shouldn't send nudes to elected officials.
A check for $9 that I used to buy six boxes of Girl Scout cookies bounced. I think I've hit a new low.
IT IS NICKEL SHIT NIGHT
*shot. Why
He doesn't like Sabbath and that alone is a GIANT red flag. Learn from my experiences and never, I mean NEVER associate with people that hate Black Sabbath and Motörhead.
Just had a flashback of scottish man yellin' at my face. What the fuck I did?
you going clubbing tonight?
well its tuesday isnt it
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