What the fuck I just showed up to court still drunk and the judge told me I smelled like his wife
Cruel joke of nature. Hair on head runs from face, and hides on various parts of body. Aging sucks.
It's mornings like this that make me happy to have a clean pair of underwear in my purse.
no you cant smoke seaweed
She tags her boyfriend in all of her pictures on her heart...
Def walking back to my apt with a blender, an empty vodka bottle, and a half eAtn drumstick cone.
Yeah well margarita Wednesday already came twice this week and it's just now Wednesday
I mean it was his birthday. How was I supposed to tell him he could not wear a sombrero while we bang.
He just whispered "doors are weird" and then laughed so hard he fell down the stairs.
If you set your screensaver to be a slides show, make sure you remove dick pics first. This lesson 1 of living with your great aunt
Stop sending me pictures of you naked. This violates the friend zone agreement.
I'm debating a nap but also debating breaking into the liquor cabinet
Well, we all woke up in drag with no memory of why we were in drag. On the plus side, this shade of lipstick looks really good on me.
AND I NEED A VIKING FUNERAL OR MY GHOST ASS WILL SAUNTER ON OVER AND CASTRATE HIM FOR TECHNICALLY MURDERING ME
I don't want to hook up with him sober. That's pretty much like saying I love you.
Randomize
