Sometimes I get depressed that my son is too young to understand how hot his babysitter is.
phone sex would be way better if there was an app for that...
I'm pretty sure we've had sex a bunch more times than we've hugged. So hugs are weird when they happen.
we had to stop you from eating moldy cake.. twice.
i'm too drunk to leave my room. poked my head out like a turtle and everyone knew i wasn't sober. i like it better in my nonjudgmental turtle shell anyway.
I was just laying in bed wondering if there's more important things in life than cheese stuffed pretzels.
You are a booty call, not a friend.
It was over as soon as he asked if he could name my vagina pancake.
We walked in and someone handed her an unopened bottle of jack with her name on it. She's like a drunken celebrity.
Last night I got drunk on margaritas at an Irish pub and came home with only one shoe. I have to get my shit together.
You really know how to show Monday who's boss.
I apologize in advance for the amount of cleavage I'll be exposing your boyfriend to.
I'm a stupid stupid woman who is totally going to rock this holiday season dick drunk on that Ginger
There we go, I shall begin my attempt to achieve whore status today
You mom sent me some article linking anal sex, damaged prostates and sterility. Does she still think your gonna go straight and have kids one day?
I woke up in a boat, with a life jacket on, tons of beer cans and no lake... I was inside a garage. WTF
Randomize
